This morning I woke up early, wanting to watch the sunrise, but it was a cold and rainy day in Athens and a terrible time to breath in a new day. As most of you know, three months ago today I lost my beloved, my companion, my confident and the co-founder of this blog. It was the three-month memorial today, and even though we held the service on Sunday I needed to visit Mike today, speak with him a bit and most importantly receive his light. It was emotional, but I breathed it all in as I always do.
His smile has become crystallized in time for me and every nuance is captured, emblazoned on my mind and heart. I can bring back the memory effortlessly, shift the fabric of time and space, and live through it again and again and again whenever I choose to but will I be able to do this in a year from now? Two years from now? Three? Ten? Will I want to? Will it still be as profound?
No one knows.
I am sharing this with all of you today, and will probably post a similar article at the six-month memorial, the nine-month memorial and then his annual memorial because Mike and I followed the Orthodox religion and this is what is customary. I cannot share koliva (or wheat) with all of you, which is usually distributed after a memorial, so I am handing out thoughts.
Today I realized that the days are turning into weeks, the weeks are turning into months, and soon they will turn into years and all that will be left will be memories. I still see him in the most simplest of things and sleeping has not become easier, but I am working at it.
Luckily the blog is keeping me very busy and I am doing everything in my power to keep it going just like he wanted. He was my biggest fan, and he truly believed in its purpose. I can't say that I have been very successful at it though, because there are just too many thoughts dancing in my head all the time but I hope he realizes that I am doing everything in my power to keep it afloat -and together- in the best way so that his vision can be kept alive. Sometimes when I get frustrated, too emotional, stressed, and feel like just throwing in the towel I feel his hand coming to rest on my face and I hear him telling me not to quit. It is just for a brief a moment, but the oxygen that this moment gives me is timeless.
One thing I have realized these past three months is that this process of grieving extends long beyond the initial weeks. There have been days when I was absolutely too overwhelmed by my grief to find the energy, either mentally or physically, to post an article, speak to all of you on face book, or even pick up the phone. I apologize to all of you for this behavior, but I am trying to correct this slowly, give me a little more time.
Maybe this is why the blog's traffic has fallen dramatically, or at least 45 percent (especially in November) and why I have not been able to promote the fundraising campaign. In fact in three months into the fundraising campaign HellasFrappe only managed to gather a little more than 500 dollars. This is not even one-fifth of the desired goal. And this has only added to my disappointment.
I feel like I have truly failed. Frappers and I am so, so sorry for this but please understand that I struggle some days so much with his loss that it clouds my ability to concentrate and to find the strength to make HellasFrappe the powerhouse that it can be.
But it is getting better, albeit slowly. I am teetering on the edge of following an old writing dream or pursuing stability. I know a large part of me fears the dream simply because I stopped believing that good things can happen - or that dreams can come true and I guess this is pretty normal when you have lived with someone who has terminal cancer like I did. Even now, I am scared to dream literally because of this because it is frightening to believe in something good for yet another time only to have your heart broken all over again, or to once more encounter greater instability.
The only thing I truly understand now is that you have no clue what it is like until it happens to you. I have felt sad for other people who have suffered loss and prayed for them but I never had an idea as to how they were truly feeling. That has all changed now.
Over the past three months I also discovered that in the death of those dear to us, we also find liberation from attachments and ideas about how life should flow because clearly life does not flow by any man or woman's design. Deeper patterns and intelligence are obviously at work, and even though we often do not see these patterns there is the opportunity to release more deeply into life when we are confronted by the loss of someone dear to us.
In our culture we are told that there is probably no greater loss than a parent losing a child but I would not rate such things. Death is death, and all of it requires some level of grieving.
Another thing I realized since Mike passed on is that the great truth about death is that there is no time to waste to live our lives. Today is our gift and our chance to fully embrace life, and Mike's death showed me that we never know what is around that next corner.
The challenge now is to continue honoring his life and the contributions that he made in my life. Hopefully his passing can become an inspiration to all of you and reminder about the beauty and ephemeral nature of life so that you can fully embrace life and the people around you.
I have no choice but to accept this cycle of life and destiny and know that I have to shoulder the responsibilities left behind by Mike by following the principle of him. This is the only thing that will allow me to eventually feel peace. But this requires some time Frappers, and every day I take a new step.
The moral of the story: We survive, we remain so we can tell the story of what we’ve lost, who we’ve lost. The story matters for the way it honors those we’ve lost, and the way it tells those of us who will someday lose loved ones that no matter how singular and lonely the pain is, we really aren’t alone.
So I will keep writing. In this way I can say that Mike’s life mattered, that he was loved. I didn’t do enough to tell him that while he was here, but charting his loss, goes some way towards revering who he was in the world. By writing my own grief narrative, I am taking the moments I failed to take when he was here to show him just how much he actually meant to me.
Thank you for sharing my thoughts, and being part of this narrative memorial
Marina Spanos
Editor HellasFrappe
Donations to HellasFrappe can be made directly through our PayPal account below -or on the top of the sidebar on our blog.
Below is our public appeal, or click HERE
Appeal to Everyone To Help Save HellasFrappe
Over the last 2 years I have built up HellasFrappe, turning a little corner of the web into a buzzing space for inquisitive minds and for reuniting the Hellenic community. The articles on this blog, most of which are educational pieces, have attracted critical acclaim. The blog has been featured in other online news magazines, has been the topic of discussion in many Facebook groups, has been the center stage on many radio shows and it even became a (small) household name across 5 continents.
And although I was successful in creating a grand Hellenic community, I failed in advancing this blog because I was too afraid -or too shy- to ask my readers for their financial support to continue operating it.
The truth is that I did not receive the calls, emails and donations that I expected. Example: In 2011 we made only 200 US, and in 2012 -and after a very shy appeal on the social networks to this blog's readers, a small handful of Greeks, and friends of Greece, (from around the world) made financial donations to the tune of only $1,600 US. In other words, HellasFrappe dipped into its pockets again to maintain this free service.
2013 has been a horror. Aside from the economic crisis in Greece which is currently at its peak, I also lost what was dearest to me and the biggest supporter of this blog - my companion Mike. My priorities changed, hospital bills took center stage, and HellasFrappe's costs were placed on the back burner. I could not devote the hours necessary to the blog and could not produce the articles that gained all this acclaim. Now that Mike is gone, I am once again focused on the only thing that I love more than anything else in the world and appealing to everyone who reads this blog for assistance. I cannot allow this blog to die. If I do, then I will have failed at what we set out to do with Mike.
Why should you donate?
Well, over the past years, I’ve worked behind the scenes doing what many would call activism on Greek issues. For instance, I set up HellasFrappe in such a way that it now supports a lot of great thinkers and it is spreading their messages of reason, and truth to people around the world -especially the Diaspora-. Also, I have also used HellasFrappe to personally rally to various government factions to allow the Greeks of the Diaspora to finally gain the voting rights they deserve through this blog. The truth is this idea might of began over a decade ago with SAE -even though they ignored me- but it continued through the blog, with many articles as well as various actions and projects on the side. I also personally advocate for the truth on a live radio show to the German community every first Thursday of every month. I speak about the Greek crisis with the hope that our European family can understand us better as a community and so that they can become more compassionate to our drama. Also I created a network of people on the internet, and specifically in several Facebook groups -the primary of which is HellasFrappe's Opinion Forum- who turn to each other not only for truth, reason, shared philosophy, but for comfort and a connection to the Motherland. But I think the biggest success of all is HellasFrappe's directness, because I don't know many bloggers who actually get on the social networks and talk with their readers one on one as I and my associates personally do every single day.
By continuing to believe in what I term "filotimo psixis" I continued -with integrity- to advocate for what I believed in my heart to be true and just. For this HellasFrappe - and I myself- were laughed at, shunned, ridiculed and at times, and even attacked by many voices but I never backed down and continued with the blog every single day. I believe in living by example and continued steadfast and headstrong in what I set out to do and that was to prove that our community still carries these qualities, even though my harshest critics have been voices from within this very community who want nothing more than to see us apart rather than coming together.
Sometimes this frustrated me, but Mike was there to help. In my testimonial (or eulogy) the day of his death I noted this. He said sooner or later these people would come around, that I should swallow this frustration, but nonetheless a little push would not hurt.
So here I am... nudging at all of you, for what I believe is very important.
So what do you benefit from all of this?
Well, this is not a syllogo dance where raffle tickets are being sold to participants in a cry to raise funds, this is about raising awareness to people across the world and maintaining a platform where truth can finally shine. So if you make a donation here there won't be any prizes involved but you will know that there is a vibrant and robust platform that brings people together better than ever before. No organization (or syllogo) can ever achieve this. Besides, where does your money go when you buy these raffle tickets? Usually some scandal takes center stage or someone suddenly runs off to the Cayman islands to make a grand deposit. Have you ever considered that?
These are the reasons why you should make a donation to HellasFrappe, unless of course winning an iron at a raffle is more important to you. If on the other you feel the way I do, and if this community is your home, and you want to share in the resources that have been created here, then I implore you to make a financial contribution toward helping to realize HellasFrappe's highest shared aspirations.
And I urge you to do this now, not tomorrow, because HellasFrappe has proved its allegiance to the truth, to democracy and the Greek people. Also, I ask you to do this right away because of our shared vision of Greece, and the future of the people of this country. Greece has been the core and inspiration for every democracy for more than 4,000 years and this has to become known and recognized and this is what HellasFrappe does EVERY SINGLE DAY and wants to continue doing.
In fact, your donations help ensure HellasFrappe retains the leadership and financial resources necessary to influence and participate in public policy processes at all levels. With your financial support, HellasFrappe can be proactive on all issues, and can meaningfully engage in strategies that benefit Hellenism and advocate for positive change.
Basically, we want and NEED to stay in the game, and we want to continue spreading awareness about everything that affects this country. As you can see political parties shy away from us because they do not like our criticism at times, and organizations are not supporting us at all.
On the one hand, this is good, because it proves we are objective and non-influenced. But it also has a downside. Basically it means that only our readers can help us and to be quite frank up to now the majority has been totally indifferent to our call for help. In fact many people I have personally spoken with either on Skype, or on Facebook, tell me that they would rather pay 200 dollars to watch Antonis Remos in concert, rather than donate 2 dollars to a blog that spreads awareness about Greek issues.
And this saddens me, but at times I have to digest it because this is just the way things are. But I ask? Is this what our community has succumed to? Are we becoming everything we were ridiculing?
Many of HellasFrappe's competitors and enemies actually want the blog to wither up and die, and when practicality finally steps in then these forces could end up winning. And for this I am very afraid.
So how can HellasFrappe be saved?
Well I do not want to set up a log in page where subscription fees will be implemented for HellasFrappe, and have been fussing with this idea for months because of practical financial reasons. I believe news should float freely, but surviving and maintaining this blog is also vital and it has drained me both mentally and physically, and has destroyed my pockets. I am afraid if this plea once again is ignored because everyone expects the person next to them to make the first move then I will simply go on to the next step.
This will surely please our competitors for sure, and it will also please all those voices that really want us to shut up.
So if you have not donated to HellasFrappe, then now is the time to do it. 1,5,10, 20, 100, dollars anything. I am not going to feel shame for asking my readers to do so because as I said previously I do not want to be forced to add a subscription fee to this service. Simple as that.
Donations to HellasFrappe can be made directly through our PayPal account below -or on the top of the sidebar on our blog.
So what does HellasFrappe want to do with all these funds?
HellasFrappe was established in 2011 to provide accurate and balanced news as well as to give a voice to the Greeks of the Diaspora and to friends of Greeks both at home and especially abroad. Since it started operation, the blog has been financed and maintained solely by its editorial team.
We’d like your help to raise money to support the following things:
* a live radio station and technical infrastructure additions that are outside the scope of what we could achieve presently
* ongoing system administration costs
* ongoing development support and improvements, including the hiring of reporters
* ensuring HellasFrappe is properly internationalized - marketing costs
Just remember that whether you’ve a fan of HellasFrappe, or not, a small donation will go a long way to help us reach our goal. If many contribute a little, we can build something big. And, even if you’ve never cared for HellasFrappe but believe in making a difference and you’d like to support our work … well, we couldn’t be more grateful to you.
Click on our Donate button and please spread the word to anyone you think might be interested — by Email, Twitter or Facebook. If you do not posses a credit card and cannot make a donation then at least post this article on your walls and allow others to do so.
Our target is to raise the funds needed by the end of September, and I promise to give you all a progress report on how much we raised every Sunday.
Thousands of people log on to HellasFrappe everyday to read something that clicks to them. If everyone made a small donation, then these funds could be raised within hours.
I am laying down my pride for what I believe in and for what I am compelled to fight for. So, what do you say? Will you help us?
Signed
Marina Spanos
Editor - HellasFrappe
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