Sex in the Poli fans rest easy we are not leaving the ladies off the hook in the mistakes category. From getting sloppy with seduction to carnal constraints, women, just like men (check relevant story here) , make many mistakes in the bedroom. It is time to renovate your love life. Get rid of the Boo-boo and Lamb-Pooh hug bear mood. Today’s Sex in the Poli examines the mistakes women make while having sex and allows the ladies to take their love caves, from the floor all the way to the ceiling, and from the fluffy cuddling mood to a raw cheetah-print that says "meow". One word of advice… if your check list contains more than ten of these mistakes, then you've got some serious things to consider.
- COSMO IS NOT A SEX BIBLE – Stop using Cosmo as a sex bible. The article entitled "100 Sexy Surprises to Drive Your Man Wild" has at least 85 things that is never going to make the male species want to sleep with you again! Here's a good litmus test: If you think it's something that they think is weird, deviant or crazy, JUST DON'T DO IT. I'm not sure where they find the men they interview for these articles - perhaps they find them in the offices of a magazine written for women - (Duh...) do you really think these are the men that should be advising your sex life? Wouldn't it be better if they visited a football team's locker room? But seriously.. if you want advice from a magazine… then read steamy PENTHOUSE LETTERS - yes those naughty letters... they are indeed contrived - but at least they won't get you kicked out of bed.
- JUST LIKE AN ICE CREAM CONE – Enjoying an ice cream cone, or love stick is not something women only do in porno movies, and it’s not one of the services Rhonda the hooker offers in the back seats of cars and/or dark alleys, but rather an important part of the whole experience and can be extremely enjoyable and pleasurable for both. Close your eyes and imagine you are somewhere in the Bahamas it's a scorching +45 Celsius and you are walking past an ice-cream parlour. The rest will come naturally.
- R2 - D2: When in the process don't just get on the end of his ice-cream cone and jam your head back and forward, back and forward, back and forward like a robot. You are not auditioning for a part in Starwars! Oh… and when it comes to oral fixations, this feast should not involve fangs. Teeth scraping is not allowed, remember ice-cream requires tongue techniques!
- MILKING IT: Ladies, ladies, ladies… when stroking a love sword don't grab it like it is part of an X-Box gadget and start jerking it like a piece of gym equipment to strengthen your forearms. Be careful! Go my ear, if your subject sounds like he is in pain... it simply means HE IS. If, on the other you start hearing snoring… it means that you should quicken the tempo… let the noise be your guide.
- SHOW A SIGN OF LIFE - Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you are not dead and have not suffered a minor stroke rendering you unable to move, after all most of us don’t like to have sex with a corpse. As for audio… it would be ideal to have walls that sustain sound, but if you need an excuse for your neighbours use an answer like “I stubbed my toe” “I ran up the steps” or “I was putting up drywall”.
- BE CHARITABLE - We wear “puppy-cups” every day and we know as a fact that getting them off isn’t always easy. So before you strip down to your birthday suit help a brother out will ‘ya! If you are shy and want to undress in the dark… forget about it. Give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either. I mean you don't have to put on a full cabaret act but keep in mind that his eyes are an erogenous zone too. Your goal should be to show him that you're sensual, open-minded and most of all that you're into him.
- PHONE TURN-OFF: Don't put your mobile phone next to the bed and say: "I'm just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we can carry on in the meantime." Ringing bells might have turned Quasimodo on but this is not going to cut it with a guy that probably drinks 10 pints of beer a day.
- NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, "I want to rinse your mouth with my love potion." Laughter at any aspect of the male performance is definitely not going to enhance it and it will not promise a second round in the bedroom for you. Oh and never EVER ask, "Is it in yet?", this is a definite NO-NO sentence. Oh... and never EVER say “it’s so cute” to him, no matter what the situation is!
- AMAZON WOMAN - Yes, waxing hurts. Indeed some ladies don’t want to look like a frozen chicken, and that is fine, but you don’t have to be a supporter of bush country either. Go to Africa or somewhere in Australia to live out your adventure, but don’t expect your man to like it. You have to master the art of landscaping ladies. And while no one’s asking you to wax down to a landing strip because you are not really into saving Brazilian forests, then it would be nice for you to at least trim.
- LETHAL WEAPON - It's one thing gently teasing his back with your nails - it's quite another digging them in like you want to leave an autograph! It does not feel good at all. Also… while climbing his love stick it would be wise to concentrate on your bouncing technique. If you are a break dancer, then that means that you need to really master this move because in this act, you might truly prove to be lethal.
- SHOOT UNTIL YOU SEE THE WHITE OF HER EYES: When men shoot they always want us to share this ecstatic moment with them, and most of us women close our eyes. Now… love juice is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases – so if he insists that you visually share this experience with him then I suggest you pull back 50 centimeters to the right and 23.5 centimeters south… it should hit the brow, and you can both be happy.
- MAINTAIN A FISH POND - Unless it was a spontaneous moment on a hood of the car parked at the picnic spot on the side of the highway, don't forget to wash, especially if you enjoy a bit of the old cunning linguistics. During the day, women do sweat and by night time they can start smelling like a fish market in South Korea. Oh… and let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t, always good to keep some on hand before and after the act.
- WANNA-BE SANDRA DEE - Yes, sex exists all over, in the woods, the fields, in cars, the stairwells of public buildings, in the changing rooms at the local pool....just be wise enough to know when the risk isn't acceptable, but puts you in danger of a court appearance. Also, it would be fun to try out some new toys, just make sure that you have a spare set of keys for your handcuffs... trust me they come in handy! Also, launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to pet your puppies is a total passion killer.
- BEING SHY: Many of us worry about ladylike behavior, but the occasional potty mouth can be a passion-inducer. So don’t be shy! Learn to talk dirty. I’m not telling you to sound like a truck driver or a Harley Davidson kitty (unless that’s your thing), just join in and be naughty, let loose... forget proper and improper. You might even discover words you never thought existed in the vocabulary and if you are really into it you might even receive a good spanking for letting it all out.
- THE BIG “O” – The trick is to just let loose when approaching the Big “O”. Unfortunately you will run the risk of being dubbed the frisky neighbourhood soprano, but hey... you might just inspire them to follow suit and who knows, one afternoon your whole neighborhood can suddenly sound like an act in Fiddler on the Roof! And no ladies… you cannot express yourself with sign language.
- STOP IMITATING MARTHA STEWART - Refusing to use oils/whipped cream, honey and other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets is really not sexy. Ever heard of detergent? They'll wash. Wiping his love potion off a missed target is one thing, but do not get up immediately after the act like Martha Stewart and change the sheets so you can get the other ones through the spin cycle by the second act.
- TV SINNER: The only TV programs suitable for accompanying good sex are hardcore porn especially involving yourself. Chat shows are not suggested, and please... stay away from gardening and how-to revamp your home programs before the act.
- AFTER SEX - You may have noticed that after sex guys are like cows out to pasture; satisfied and docile, and with extremely very little brain activity going on. This is not the time to suddenly jump out of bed and suggest a game of Scrabble, and it is certainly not the time for a Pilates workout. Oh and Ladies... it is also wise not to reach over and pull a pregnancy test from your nightstand, and say "cross my fingers" with a big smile on your face then run off to the bathroom either.